I have several theories regarding my personal issues with anxiety. Some pretty far out (I ate calamari once after several Guinness and then went Calypso dancing until 4 in the morning, I bet it was that!)* but one I think is most likely correct.
I had a CT scan about a year and a half ago for an unrelated issue. While that came back perfectly fine, it did reveal that I had a deformed bone in my neck, likely there since childbirth. I dined on this new bit of knowledge with the husband for awhile - "Can you clean the cat litter? I have a deformed bone in my neck. Will you make us some soup? I have this deformed bone in my neck you see. Oh Mr. Beauregard, I do declare this neckbone of mine is giving me the vapors..." and so on. It didn't occur to me until some time after I stopped being an asshole about it, that it might explain a few things. Like the fact that the muscles around my neck and shoulders are never malleable. EVER. One time a friend snuck up behind me and clamped his hands on my shoulders to say "Hey!" and I dropped like a bag of concrete. Woot for random Vulcan nerve pinch! The pleasure of a shoulder massage may always be beyond my understanding. I started to wonder that if I have always been physically tense in that area, does that explain why I have been so easily startled my entire life? Had I been leaving behind a psychological imprint everytime I have processed information I deemed scary or overwhelming because my upper body has been in a physical state of fight or flight since I was a baby?
Phobias develop by imprinting, and what I have feels very much like one, though it is not a specific item or sound for me. Really it is a phobia of being anxious and/or afraid. Fearing fear itself . Okay well there's spiders too but they are the legitimate creeps and thugs of the insect world and deserve the stigma. But why have I been so physically anxious all of my life when mentally and spiritually, I'm pretty mellow and easy-going? Hmm.
As I don't have a chemical imbalance, nor am I depressed, and as this type of thing does not appear to be hereditary, I'm left to conclude this theory makes the most logical sense to me. Permanent physical state of cat-like readiness leads to imprinting leads to avoidance behavior leads to nothing left to avoid because everything is now avoided leads to "I will not leave my room for an entire month!", but that is for another post.
To be continued...(hint: it got better)
*true facts
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