The ugly...

The worst thing about coming face to face with anxiety and panic, seemingly overnight, is the absolute conviction that you are now indeed a crazy person. How confusing when yesterday you were not. Yesterday you were having tea with your Grandpa, making plans for your niece's upcoming Halloween-themed birthday, and it is Autumn, your favorite time of the year. Yesterday you were breathing deeply and positively sighing with contentment at how golden the trees, how golden the very air is in October. Today, you are paralyzed by sound, movement, even your own thoughts. Nothing feels more wholly unfair than waking up in a prison with no recollection of a crime being committed.

Such was the case for me 6 years ago, when this hydra reared its many ugly heads. Halfabee and I went to bed early knowing we had a busy day ahead of us, and I was attempting to go to sleep while going over a mental checklist of the things I had to do the next day. I began to feel uncomfortable, and then overwhelmed, and then I couldn't breathe right. I shook Halfabee awake about an hour later when I had ventured right into a full-blown panic attack. This was not new territory, I've had a few of them in our long relationship together, and each of them was preceded by allowing myself to become overwhelmed in some way, whether by taking on too many tasks or chewing on an issue I couldn't resolve. Halfabee, being the most grounded person to ever exist, and having had a little experience with me in this overwhelmed state, put lavender oil on my pillow, said "Okay, talk." and then took both of my hands in his so he could play with my fingers while I spoke. These three things he does are to encourage me to breathe, to get everything out of my head (once verbalized rarely seem quite so insurmountable) and to ensure my hands can't express my tension by gripping or balling into little fists.

You should know, Halfabee is kind of a singularly amazing human being like that.

His method of relaxing me had worked wonders in the past. I would fall deeply asleep in the middle of talking and wake up in the morning feeling brand new. Unfortunately this time it didn't. Oh I fell asleep, but it was a fitful sleep, and I woke up the next morning in the same tense state from the night before. 

To be continued later today...